Imagine you’re at a bar, and someone starts flirting with your spouse or significant other, who doesn’t reciprocate the attention. Instinctively, you might feel anger, jealousy, or even a heightened sexual desire to reclaim your partner’s attention. But new research suggests that this natural reaction might not strengthen the relationship as expected. In fact, a surprising study published in the Journal of Sex Research shows that unsolicited flirting—regardless of whether your partner flirts back—can actually lead to a decrease in your sexual desire for them. It can also reduce your motivation to invest in the relationship.
At first glance, the findings seem contradictory, says lead author Gurit Birnbaum, a psychology professor at Reichman University. Previous studies have shown that when we see others showing interest in a potential mate, that person becomes more attractive to us. This phenomenon, known as mate choice copying, is a common social cue that humans and animals both use to identify desirable partners. However, the study suggests that this dynamic doesn’t hold for established relationships.
In romantic partnerships, unsolicited flirting—especially when there’s no reciprocal interest from the partner—may trigger a concern called mate poaching. This occurs when someone fears a rival might attract their partner, leading to defensive behaviors that can harm the relationship.
PSYCHOLOGY OF MATE POACHING
Professor Harry Reis, coauthor of the study, explains that the fear of losing a partner to someone else can be far more damaging than simply feeling jealous. The thought of a competitor threatening the bond may cause emotional distancing, where individuals subconsciously withdraw investment in the relationship to protect themselves from potential heartbreak.
“The problem is,” says Reis, “when we perceive that our partner is being sought after by others, our instinct is to distance ourselves emotionally, which ultimately reduces our desire and effort in the relationship.”
This distancing mechanism, often triggered by feelings of insecurity and rejection, is a defense against the potential hurt of losing a partner. Instead of feeling closer to the partner, people may engage in behaviors that reduce their emotional attachment, hoping to soften the blow if the relationship falters.
THREE EXPERIMENTS EXPLORE THE DYNAMICS OF UNSOLICITED FLIRTING
To better understand these dynamics, the researchers conducted three experiments involving Israeli and U.S. participants. All participants were in committed, monogamous relationships of at least four months. They were exposed to scenarios where their partner received flirtatious advances from another person, with no reciprocation from the partner. In the control group, participants saw neutral interactions.
Experiment 1: 244 participants (126 women and 118 men) were asked to imagine a situation where their partner was approached by a flirtatious stranger. They then wrote a narrative about a sexual fantasy involving their partner. Independent raters evaluated these fantasies for signs of desire and commitment. Those who imagined their partner receiving attention from another person expressed less desire for their partner and engaged in less relational investment.
Experiment 2: In this virtual reality experiment, 132 undergraduate students (66 women and 66 men) watched a simulated flirtation between their partner and a virtual stranger in a crowded bar. Again, participants reacted with decreased sexual desire for their partner and a heightened focus on preventing rival suitors.
Experiment 3: 190 participants (101 women, 89 men) were asked to recall a past event in which someone flirted with their partner. Similar to the previous studies, participants reported decreased attraction and a greater desire to ward off potential threats to the relationship.
BACKFIRE EFFECT OF JEALOUSY-INDUCING TACTICS
The results of these experiments lead to a critical takeaway for real-life relationships: trying to make your partner jealous by seeking attention from others could be counterproductive. “Rather than boosting the relationship, it can harm the connection it aims to strengthen,” Birnbaum says. The study’s findings suggest that such tactics can backfire. It can led to emotional distancing, reduced sexual desire, and less effort in nurturing the partnership.
The study’s advice is clear: don’t flirt with others if you want to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Engaging in behaviors that trigger jealousy can create insecurity. It can lead to a weakening of emotional bonds, even in otherwise strong relationships.
